June 29, 2018
Dear Everyone:
I had a l-o-n-g meeting this past Wednesday with “Percy”, my financial
advisor. I had already done
my homework assignment, which consisted of sending him a copy of my
Trust (i.e., Will) and perusing The Proposal that he had sent to me
regarding what they wanted to do with all of my
401(k).
“Percy” happily drew pictures on the wall, “illustrating” how he
proposed investing my money in stocks, bonds, and CDs (Certificates
of Deposit) spread out over six-month intervals with corresponding
interest rates. I nodded
sagely and occasionally made affirmative noises.
Then came The Big Moment, when we officially opened an IRA (Individual
Retirement Account).
Naturally, it was empty at the moment.
We called an associate and confirmed over the phone that I was
who I said I was, complete with California
Driver’s License to prove it.
The associate officially transferred the money from the 401(k) to
the IRA.
“Percy” hesitated for just a moment, pointing out that, once he pressed
the Enter key, my money would no longer be associated with the Company.
I happily informed him that they were just as quick to toss me
out when it suited them. And
that was that, more or less.
We also set up a Withdrawal from the new account, beginning at the first
of August. “Percy” set the
amount based on that pesky RMD (Required
Minimum Distribution) that the
IRS
is so determined to have.
What that means is that I’m getting a substantial “raise” in my monthly
allowance.
I’ll be withdrawing more than I need, but I can easily shovel anything
extra into one of my savings accounts.
I am now what our maternal grandfather used to call a “rich
bitch”. Of course, he meant
a sixth-grader with a five-dollar-bill in her pocket.
Or, as “Percy” put it: “If
you want to remodel the kitchen, go right ahead!”
Oh, those are dangerous words.
It’s times like this that I start thinking I can do anything I
want. I’ll have to keep a
firm rein on myself.
Nevertheless, the very next day I went out and bought a new
cell phone.
Did I need a new cell phone?
Well, yes, actually, I did.
The previous one was over 2-½ years old and could drop dead at any
moment. The average cell
phone, like any other computer, is really only designed to last about
two years.
So, I paid a visit to the local Telephone Shop and conferred with
“Morris” as to which phone would best suit me.
The previous one used the
Microsoft
Windows 10 format.
“Morris” sadly informed me that
Microsoft was no
longer messing with cell phones.
My choices were
Apple (iOS)
or
Android (Google).
I decided that I would rather deal with Google than Apple.
Sure, I have an iPad,
but I mostly use it for Physical Therapy exercises and looking things up
on the Internet in
the bedroom. Also, I already
have a Google account, complete with a
Gmail email address
which I also never use.
With that conclusion, I headed straight for a top-of-the-line
Galaxy in
lavender. I even splurged on
a wireless
charger for it.
“Morris”, rather than working on a hard sell, spent most of his time
trying to get the new phone and the old phone to talk to each other.
In movies, and on TV, one person stands near another person for a few
minutes and, Presto! their two phones are “cloned”.
In the Real World, it takes a lot longer than that.
Not quite as long as my previous meeting with “Percy”, but
nearly.
I now have a completely new phone, with lots of unknown bells and
whistles, all unlike the previous bells and whistles that I had been
used to.
This morning, I had a previously-planned telephone conference with
“Percy” to set up the CDs. I
was all ready for the call.
But, for some reason, “Percy” called me on the cell phone number.
Which is when I realized that I didn’t know now to answer the phone!
Of course, I had already gone to the manufacturer’s website and
downloaded the User Manual, but this was hardly the time to leaf through
217 pages looking for the “phone” directions.
Not to worry. “Percy” left a
message, which I ultimately retrieved, then promptly called me on the
home phone, which I did know how to answer.
We plugged several hundred thousand dollars into 6-, 12-, 18- and
24-month CDs.
So the money is all squared away for now.
And I did find the instructions, on page 107, for how to answer
an incoming call. Now I just
have to come up with Ringtones that I will recognize when the phone is
trying to tell me:
“Incoming call!”
“Incoming text message!”
“Incoming email!”
“Time to take your medication!!!”
Stay tuned for further developments…
Love, as always,
Pete
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