May 13, 2016
Dear Everyone:
I’ve always hated
fluorescent lighting.
Not the lighting, per se, although it can sometimes make you look
a little like death warmed over, and change some colors drastically.
Mostly, I hate changing fluorescent lights.
Fluorescent light has always been popular in large stores, warehouses,
office space, kitchens, garages and “work areas” for the simple reason
that is less costly than standard incandescent lighting, particularly if
left on for long periods of time like say, all day or all night.
But until recently, nearly all fluorescent lights used long tubes
which are, to say the least, difficult to change.
You have a long tube, which you can only see at one end at any
particular time. The tube
has these tiny little metal bits sticking out and these bits have to fit
exactly right into the receptacle or the light won’t work.
In the meantime, you are typically tottering on some ladder, trying to
reach way over your head, to fit those tiny bits of metal into the
receptacle on one end, while you can’t possibly see what’s happening,
then get the opposite tiny bits of metal into the corresponding other
half of the receptacle before the whole thing slips out and…so on.
I have always had the suspicion that the people who design these lights
do so entirely for their own convenience, rather than that of the person
who is going to be tottering on the ladder and…so on.
Sort of like the software programmers who seem to feel that their
software would work perfectly
if they could just avoid those pesky Users who keep mucking things up.
It seems like it’s all a kind of Mutual Contempt Society.
But now. Somebody came up
with an idea to make fluorescent lights easier to use, just like a
standard incandescent lightbulb.
Just screw the thing in and you’re done.
They named this little wonder the Compact Fluorescent Light (CLF)
Bulb.
So when I bought my current
condominium, it (naturally) came with
standard fluorescent lighting, tubes and all.
And I put my foot down.
I went to one of the Big Hardware Warehouse Stores and bought a
new kitchen light which used the (New!
And Improved!!!) CLF bulbs.
And got someone else to install it for me, naturally.
That was seven years ago.
Recently, I noticed that the kitchen light seemed a little dim when I
turned it on in the morning.
It would start out gloomy, then perk up after a few minutes.
The other day, when I turned the light on in the morning, it was
positively dark in there. I
looked up and confirmed that one of the bulbs was not on at all.
Later it did come on, but it was clear to me that it was time to
replace the bulbs.
Now, before you think, “Seven years!
That’s pretty good!” I have to point out that I have changed the
bulbs at least once in the intervening time.
Still, three-plus years isn’t bad.
Changing the kitchen light required a number of steps:
Step One. Turn the kitchen
light off. Turn other lights
on to compensate
Step Two. Climb up on a step
ladder and carefully remove
the finial and ring that hold the glass bowl in place.
Step down off the ladder with both hands full, including the
glass bowl which will shatter into millions of pieces if I drop it on
the floor. Put all the parts
in a safe place.
Step Three. Climb back up on
the step ladder to see if I can make any kind of guess as to what
wattage bulbs this fixture takes.
This was when I discovered that I had brilliantly marked the
sockets with the exact wattage from the last time I changed the lights.
Step Four. Go to the
hardware store and buy three new light “bulbs”.
However. The “bulbs”
only come in packages of two, four, or six.
The kind I needed came in sets of two, so I bought two packages,
for a total of four. Drive
back home.
Step Five. Clear a path on
the patio to the outdoor storage closet.
Clear enough stuff out of the closet to safely remove a larger
step ladder than the one still sitting in the middle of the kitchen.
That one is good enough for getting flour off the top shelf, but
requires too much stretching overhead when dealing with glass bowls that
can shatter into a million pieces if dropped on the floor.
Although by this time I was wearing shoes, something I don’t
regularly do indoors.
Step Six. Rip open the
plastic containers to get out the three “bulbs” that I need.
Step Seven. Place the bulbs
on the handy shelf marked “Not a Step!!!” on the ladder.
Climb the ladder enough to easily reach the fixture without
smacking my head on the metal pole hanging down to hold the finial, ring
and glass bowl in place.
Carefully unscrew the old “bulbs”.
Carefully screw in the new “bulbs”.
Step down off the ladder and turn the light on to make sure
everything is working OK.
Step Eight. Place the glass
bowl (which will shatter into a million pieces if dropped on the floor),
ring and finial on the handy shelf.
Climb up the ladder enough to comfortably fit the glass bowl into
place, while simultaneously holding the ring and finial.
Fit the ring into place and screw the finial on nice and tight,
but not too tight. Step down
off the ladder and turn the light on to make sure everything is still
working OK.
Step Nine. Take the leftover
bulb to the indoor storage closet where, among other things, I keep
extra lightbulbs. When the
lights go out, you don’t want to have to go outside to find a new bulb.
These days, most bulbs don’t come in little boxes that fit easily
on shelves. Instead, they
come in plastic containers molded around them.
Consequently, they fall all over each other unless corralled
inside a really big
Ziploc-type bag (14”x16”.)
This is when I discovered another, unopened package of the same CLF
bulbs left over from the last time I changed the bulbs.
Like I was going to remember
that after three-plus years.
Step Ten. Return the ladder
to the outdoor storage closet.
Refill all the bird feeders as long as everything is out of the
closet anyway. Put
everything in the closet, one way or another.
Mission Accomplished.
And I shouldn’t have to do it again for another three years.
Love, as always,
Pete
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