February 17, 1995
Dear Everyone:
So there I am, driving home late, as usual, when something falls into my
lap. It's a screw.
Don't you just hate when that
happens? There is nothing quite
like knowing that you're driving around in a car with a screw loose.
Of course it's from the steering
wheel. This has happened before.
Time was when I'd spend
hours trying to get that screw back into place.
Now I just drive into the
dealer's service center, hold out my hand (with the screw) and ask,
"Fellas, can you fix?" and they take care of it right away.
They’re mechanics.
They don't mind standing on their
heads under the steering column with a screwdriver in hand.
In other news…
Ever have a mammogram?
This involves:
1.
A rather tender portion of your anatomy
2.
A really high-tech hamburger press
3.
An x-ray technician who is absolutely convinced that you
must be at least 3 inches taller than you are.
So there you are, standing on tiptoe, in your “one-size-fits-all
gown”(assuming that all people are a Size 6), locked in a vice, while
the technician dances behind her lead shields, singing, "Don't breathe!
Don't move!"… "OK, you can breathe now."
Then she does it again, from another angle.
Then you go back to your
"dressing room", which is slightly larger than a postage stamp and wait
for the film to develop. Until
the technician comes back and wants to take some more x-rays, only this
time, we’re going to use the compressor.
You can use your imagination.
Ultimately, the doctor summons you to show you incomprehensible blobs on
film and says "there's something there that wasn't there last time".
And it's nothing to worry about,
99.99% chance it's just a cyst, but let's do an ultrasound, just in
case.
Ever do an
ultrasound?
This involves sitting in the "waiting room" for an hour because "the
doctor is running a little late, OK?", then lying on a flat platform in
a darkened room. It also involves
petroleum jelly, squirted from quite a distance ("this may feel a little
warm" – Yeah!!!), and another technician who tries to drill for oil with
a blunt, vibrating instrument, while taking "pictures".
Then the technician sails out into the hallway to look for the doctor,
sails back every few minutes to call out "He's coming!" until,
eventually, the doctor does show up. More
drilling for oil with a blunt, vibrating instrument and the verdict:
It's probably just a cyst.
Come back in six months and we’ll
make sure it hasn't grown any.
I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to a return visit.
Of course it's a cyst.
“Jeannie” gets cysts.
“Jeannie” says “Frankie’s” had
cysts. All God's chilluns gets
cysts. So don't worry.
I'm not.
“Jeannie's” contributions for this week:
Number One: Why parents shouldn't
help their kids with their homework.
A woman in “Jeannie's” office complained that her husband was "helping"
but giving out false information, which the kid was swallowing whole.
Kid is doing a report on
Christopher
Columbus. Asks Dad, what were
the names of Columbus’s three ships. Receives
answer. Dutifully writes in her
report that Christopher Columbus sailed West, in search of the East, in
the
Niña, the
Pinta, and
the
Piña Colada.
Mother is now vexed with father.
Number Two: The old "half-a-glass
of water" trick.
A
pessimist will tell you that the glass is half-empty.
An
optimist will tell you that the glass is half-full.
A
corporate down-sizing
consultant will tell you that you have twice as much glass as you need.
Love, as always,
Pete
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