December 5, 1996
Dear Everyone:
Richard Milhouse
Nixon’s running mate in the
1960
Presidential election was
Henry
Cabot Lodge, Jr. Or, as
Dad would put it, “That idiot from upstate New York!”
In other news...
I finally know what
it takes to get a letter back from someone.
Simply cast aspersions on the most cherished member of their
family: Their wheels.
I am in receipt of a
letter from “Hermione’s” husband, “Riley”, who writes (in part):
“As usual, “Hermione” and I were enjoying
your recent letter till we got to the part about
S U V’
s. I’m afraid we have to
take exception to this mad onslaught against these vehicles.
“We are the proud, and I do mean proud,
owners of 2, yes 2,
Jeep
Cherokees. And we owned
one before these two. In
these vehicles, you ride above the crowd.
You feel safe. Here
in Orygun, it snows.
We ski. We use the
4 wheel drive.
And it holds a lot of groceries, hauls a lot of kids, and we like
large car payments.”
Notice that they
used to have a single Cherokee, now they have two.
Just as I suspected, the darn things are proliferating at an
alarming rate. And of course
it snows in “Orygun”. But it
only sticks about once every five years.
As for the large car payments, this provides a vital clue to the
creatures’ allure. They’re a
status symbol.
They say, “I can afford to pay an extra $1000 for equipment I may
never have a use for.”
But wait!
There’s more:
“You too could appreciate the extra space
and fold down seats when driven from a hotel room, desperate for sleep,
in the middle of the night, while your brother snores away like two
bears arguing over a piece of meat.”
I don’t quite see
how the fold down seats are a plus when being “driven from a hotel
room”. One has visions of
angry peasants armed with pitch forks and torches.
Not a good time to take a nap.
Further...
“Cherokee’s are great in traffic jams.
One day, there was a wreck in the west hills tunnel.
“Hermione” just delicately rammed her ‘high and proud’ white
beauty over the divider and was on the road again.
Try that in a Honda!”
If I were driving
the Honda, I sure wouldn’t be happy to see a Cherokee careening over the
center divider and charging in my direction!
What’s more...
“The real reason you can’t stand these
vehicles is you suffer from SLS (Short Leg Syndrome).
Even “Byron” (Step Up) Wood has a LARGE UTILITY VEHICLE.
Of course he has to get side boards so he can get into it!
Same syndrome. There
is a cure for this disease.
Buy one. You’ll love it!”
Stuff and nonsense!
The real reason I can’t stand these vehicles is because I can’t
see around them in traffic.
I don’t want to count the number of times I’ve been stuck in second gear
behind some big, fat
Villager’s
rear end. It’s like trying
to drive with curtains over your windshield.
And as for having short legs, I’m happy to inform you that they
are a genuine advantage aboard airplanes.
I’d like to see you stand up without banging your head on the
overhead compartments.
In conclusion...
“LOW RIDERS, BEWARE!!!!!
“We will, however, consider forgiving
you, since we are sure you didn’t think that anyone you knew personally
would own these cars. And
that slamming them would be the same as declaring war!
Of course, it will take a full retraction, in writing, to reopen
diplomatic channels.”
Quite the contrary.
An informal census of the parking lot at work revealed that 60%
of the vehicles are one species of truck or another.
My boss drives a
Ford Explorer.
He even seems to prefer it over his other car, a
Lexus.
Hardly a week goes by that I don’t climb into that Explorer to go
to lunch. Of course, I need
both hands to do it.
And when my PC
arrived last year in two large boxes, I didn’t hesitate to avail myself
of the opportunity to get them home in one trip, in the back of the
Explorer. So they do come in
handy. At least once in
three years.
I hasten to point
out that I have nothing against the
people who drive these
monstrosities, with the notable exception of a particular cretin in a
pickup truck who, adopting a “mine’s bigger than yours” attitude,
literally forced me off the road in the middle of a very busy freeway
interchange one morning.
However, the vehicle cannot be held responsible for the bad behavior of
its driver.
Finally, “Riley” and
“Hermione” ask:
“We only have one question.
What is a speed
bump?”
A speed bump is a
deliberately raised strip of asphalt which usually crosses the path of
oncoming vehicles. It is
frequently found in the parking lots of shopping centers and apartment
complexes. It’s avowed
purpose is to force drivers who are generally too stupid to avoid
running over small children to slow down.
Why do you ask?
The most interesting
aspect of “Riley’s” letter is that it is not the only time, not even the
first time, that someone has
written to me to justify their use of a truck-like vehicle.
As soon as she read it, “Elaine” sent me an email, rushing to
explain that she needs her
Aero-whatever to carry canvases, etc.
One of her hobbies is painting, and she’s quite good at it.
And her husband needs a carpeted truck to transport PC’s as part of his business.
Notice how defensive
they are? Could it be
because they feel just the tiniest bit guilty, that they somehow sense
that they’re taking up more than their
fair share of the road?
Movies...
Saw 2¾ movies last
week.
Star
Trek: First Contact.
Very good, particularly when you consider that the director,
Jonathan Frakes,
had only done a few of the TV episodes before this.
It’s primarily a shoot-’em-up with a trip into the past (a Star
Trek staple) to try to prevent the future from happening.
Alice Krige
is superb as the villainous
Borg Queen.
It has a lot of chuckles in it, particularly for die-hard fans,
and one gem of a scene in which the ever prim and proper
Councilor Troy
gets drunk as a lord. A very
enjoyable couple of hours.
The
Mirror Has Two Faces.
Barbra
Streisand plays an ugly duckling who eventually turns into a swan.
Again.
Jeff Bridges is
great as a guy who loves math and doesn’t understand why everyone else
in the world doesn’t share his enthusiasm.
Lauren
Bacall plays the duckling’s mother, and
Pierce Brosnan
does a fine job as the brother-in-law who really wants to do the right
thing, but just doesn’t have a clue as to what that would be.
The
English Patient. It was great until the
projector broke three quarters of the way through.
I guess I’ll either have to try again or wait until it comes out
on tape and fast forward through the first 1:55.
Love, as always,
Pete
| Previous | Next |