April 4, 1996
Dear Everyone:
A few weeks ago, I
stopped at the Lancôme
counter to purchase something of a cosmetic nature (I’ve long since
forgotten what). Lancôme was
having a special known as a “gift with purchase” (i.e., semi-freebie).
These usually consist of some sort of vinyl cosmetic bag, with a
lipstick, a cleanser or moisturizer, maybe the latest fragrance.
You get the picture.
Once I’d paid for
whatever it was I bought, I presented the receipt at a table to get my
“freebie”. The lady at the
table wanted to know if I’d like a free make-over.
What the heck, I thought.
We haven’t had a make-over since “Jeannie” was getting ready for
“Alice’s” wedding. Let’s do
it. So last Saturday,
“Jeannie” and I went in for my free make-over.
(The reason for going together is that we pretty much have the
same skin type and what works for one of us will probably work for the
other. So, in effect, we get
two make-overs for the price of one.)
The first thing you
do before getting a make-over is to carefully apply makeup, since no one
in her right mind goes anywhere near a cosmetic counter without any
makeup on. (This is similar
to the principle of brushing your teeth before going to the dentist for
a cleaning.) The first thing
the cosmetic “technician” does is remove the makeup, so she can replace
it with new makeup. This is
very important because it offers the “technician” the opportunity to use
every kind of cleanser Lancôme makes, just to let you know all the
types.
Having cleaned your
face (without even a trace of soap-and-water), she applies lots of
different moisturizers.
There’s basic moisturizer.
There’s at least two different kinds for just around your eyes.
There’s general moisturizer with sun block.
In fact, there’s one whole counter top devoted exclusively to
just moisturizers. And you
thought a dab of petroleum jelly was all you needed.
Now we start with
the actual makeup. We begin
with eye shadow base. That’s
right, a cream foundation intended only for your eye lids.
Then, there’s under-eye concealer, which is a foundation for
under your eyes. This is to
hide those dark bags which only looked good on
Bette Davis and
Susan Sarandon
(and maybe
Perry
Mason).
Next we get to
choose from dozens of different shades of (basically) pink to find the
one that comes closest to matching my (natural) skin color.
We agree on Rose Clair II, which is darker than Rose Clair I but
lighter than Rose Clair III.
The technician smears on an adequate supply of foundation.
Moving right along,
we come to whole spectrums of eye shadow shades, which are mostly
variations of brown and/or gray.
The technician (never did get her name) applies eyebrow pencil.
You’d think with dark bushy eyebrows like mine, pencil wouldn’t
be necessary, but the technician doesn’t agree.
After all, they retail for $16.50.
She artfully applies
three shades of eye shadow, explaining all the while what I’m supposed
to do to recreate the masterpiece next time.
Like I’m going to spend 20 minutes blending shadow at 6:00 in the
morning. I, of course, can’t
see what she’s actually doing because my eyes are closed and, even if
they were open, I can’t see diddly without my glasses.
Much concerned discussion on whether the eyeliner should be
brown-gray or gray-black.
Should the blush be
rose or more coral? What
kind of lip liner? (Show me
a woman who uses lip liner, and I’ll show you a woman with too much time
on her hands.) And what
shade of lipstick?
Translucent powder or dual finish?
Even NASA doesn’t have to make decisions this momentous.
After an hour, the
project is completed and my face looks pretty much the same as it did
when I came in.
Nevertheless, it is “traditional” to purchase at least some of the
products used in the make-over.
One can always use another eyeliner.
And one look at the vanity in “Jeannie’s” townhouse will attest
to the fact that there’s no such thing as too many different shades of
lipstick.
So how much did this
“free” make-over end up costing me?
($16.50 for a pencil?)
Let’s just say the sales tax cleared $20 and leave it at that.
Movies...
Having spent
Saturday afternoon watching me get my face washed, “Jeannie” had too
much work to do on Sunday, so I went to see
Executive
Decision by myself.
This is, without a doubt, the most paint-by-the-numbers “adventure” I’ve
seen in quite a while. It’s
like the writer(s) used the old Chinese menu style of picking one from
column A and one from column B.
The bad guys are
(pick one): 1) Arab
terrorists; 2) Latin American drug lords; 3) anti-government militants.
The good guy is
(pick one): 1) A
book-writing analyst, like the original Jack Ryan in
The Hunt
for Red October, who suddenly finds himself the only salvation
of the free world; 2) the most completely unflappable military type
whose facial expression never changes no matter what’s thrown at him.
Can’t decide? Never
mind, throw both of ‘em in.
How about a
plane-load of hostages? From
the very beginning you have absolutely no doubt who’s going to be
landing that plane.
What’s happened to
originality? Aren’t the
Arabs getting tired of always being portrayed as terrorists?
Why can’t the bad guys be
Norwegian drug lords for a change?
Just once, I’d like to see a description like this one:
“The vice-president’s wife is being held hostage at Nordstrom’s
by a gang of crazed Carmelite nuns.”
At least it would be different.
Executive Decision is OK if all you want is two hours with a bag of popcorn and a dandy
mid-air disaster. Otherwise,
save your time and money.
Or spend them on a
make-over.
Love, as always,
Pete
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