July 15, 1994
Dear Everyone:
OK, so it wasn't a
gargoyle. Mom's birthday
present, that is. Instead, we got
her a charming little
hedgehog, which we thought would make a nice companion for the
Mole God that
sits out on the deck, and for all the possums, raccoons and assorted
other critters that come up for dinner each evening.
The hedgehog was made of cast
bronze (or something), so it really was too heavy to ship.
On the other hand, we could
have gotten a gargoyle. The same
store that sold us the hedgehog actually did feature gargoyles, but they
were only the mantelpiece type, not the
sit-on-top-of-the-battlements-and-poor-boiling-oil-on-the-peasants type.
So, if your stocking seems extra
heavy next Christmas, don't say you weren't warned.
Actually, the gargoyle story was just a front, to cover up the fact that
“Marshall” and “Jeannie” callously refused to even
consider my request to join
them on their trip up to Oregon. Not
that I had requested it; frankly, I was too tired to even consider such a
long drive. But they turned me
down before I could not make the request.
And for that, God punished them. Naturally.
It happened at Mt
Shasta, where “Jeannie” encountered a multi-legged creature and,
shortly thereafter, went into
ana-whatchamacallit shock, requiring a short visit to the nearest
hospital, where the medical personnel tried to determine what had
happened.
Doctor: "What happened?"
“Jeannie”: "Bug bit me!"
Doctor: "Really.
What kind of bug?"
“Jeannie”: "Big
bug!"
Doctor: "Can you describe
it?"
“Jeannie”: "Big
black bug!"
Doctor: "What did you say
your name was?"
“Jeannie”: "“Jeannie”!"
Doctor: "That's not what you
told us before."
Ultimately, they took care the problem and “Jeannie” is fine now.
But, clearly, this never would
have happened if I'd been allowed to come along.
As for my week’s vacation, I started it out by putting my back out on
the first day. Nothing serious,
just a sore muscle--God's way of saying, "Will you
relax already?"
By way of a 750-page novel, four movies and 15 videotapes, 14 of which I
can actually recall. (We are
talking a Master’s Degree in Couch Potato-ing here.)
Everything from the classics (Shakespeare) to pure trash (ever
hear of
Army of
Darkness?). I even saw an honest-to-God "Jean
Claude Van Damme"
film.
Like everyone else, I've seen ads for these movies, but never went near
one; but last week I thought, oh, what the hey, and rented one just for
the heck of it. The plot is
pretty slim: Rich guys, bored
with killing Bambi and Thumper, want the challenge of bigger game, to
wit, combat veterans who might be able to fight back.
Enter our hero to trounce them
single-handedly. If it sounds
familiar, you've seen it a dozen times on TV.
Of course, the only purpose of the plot is to give our hero an excuse to
kick a lot of guys in the head, often in slow motion, which he does with
considerable grace, due to two facts.
1) Almost anything
done in slow motion tends to look graceful.
2) Before becoming a karate champion and "actor", Van Damme was a
professional ballet dancer. Which
means he can pirouette and pulverize simultaneously.
And, compared to
Steven (The Great
Stoneface) Seagal, he can even act a bit.
So, if you're in the mood for
vicarious violence try Van Damme.
I Love Trouble.
“Jeannie” says it would be a
worse movie without
Julia Roberts, but it's hard to see how.
Roberts and
Nolte don't hit it
off, regardless of what the script says.
And, in this day of CNN and minute-by-minute reporting of every
little thing that happens these days, it doesn't seem likely that two
Chicago reporters would be the only ones to cover a train wreck and the
subsequent cover-up. Save
your popcorn allowance.
Much Ado About
Nothing.
Of course, we meant to see it
last year. But it was only
playing at one theater and that theater is notorious for its limited
parking. So we kept putting it
off until next weekend and
then, one day, it was gone. Now
it's out on tape. It's a charming
romp, with
Kenneth Branagh and
Emma Thompson
as the battling Benedick and Beatrice,
Denzel
Washington as Don Pedro and
Keanu Reeves as
his brother (?), the villain. This
particular production is more of a light, romantic drama than a comedy;
a very pleasant couple of hours. And
an opportunity to brush up on my
Elizabethan
English before next month.
More movie and video reviews next week.
Love, as always,
Pete
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