April 10, 1992
Dear Everyone:
There seems to be a contest going on here to see
which Company company can come up with the best candidate for the
"Unclear on The Concept" award.
Example: Last
October, it was announced that, effective 1/1/92, Company USA Inc. would
be changed into two sub-companies: Company
USA Inc., Production (upstream) and Company USA Inc., Products
(downstream). The difference
between "upstream" and "downstream" is the xxxx, when the xxx comes up
out of the ground. As long as the
xxx is still underground, it's considered "upstream" and all the people
who work on finding it, drilling/mining for it and pulling it up out of
the ground are part of "production".
Once the xxx comes out of the ground it's
"downstream", where it goes into a “transport” somewhere, makes its way
to a refinery, gets broken up into various products and sold on the open
market. The people who do this
work are called "products".
Now, here's the problem:
Company companies are
never called by their proper
names, always by some abbreviation, usually by their initials.
For example, Company USA Inc., is
always called CUSA (pronounced
koo-sa). Now we have two
companies whose abbreviations are CUSA Prod (Production) and CUSA Prod
(Products).
Who thought this one up?
George and George's brother,
George?
The same geniuses came up with a new international
branch of the company, which they named Company International Trading
Company. Nickname:
CITC (pronounced
see-eye-tee-see). Thus ignoring
the fact that there is already a well-established Company company called
Company Information Technology Company
(pronounced see-eye-tee-see).
All this restructuring and renaming has had the
effect of setting the whole company on tumble dry.
Some people aren't sure what
company they work for anymore. Others
have been told that, yes, they work for a new company, but, no, payroll
isn't recognizing that company yet.
As for my little bailiwick:
Owner Codes are flying in all directions and accountants who are
getting billings for boxes belonging to Owners who no longer exist (on
paper) are leaving footprints on the ceiling.
All of this, you understand, is for the purpose of
saving the company money.
Next example: The
Voluntary Severance Program.
Doesn't that sound like an oxymoron to you?
I mean, do you know
anyone who would “volunteer"
to have something, anything,
"severed"?
Originally, to save the company money, they were
going to offer a special "early retirement package" to some 3,000
employees who were probably on their way out the door anyway.
So, they started to send out some
3,000 packages. But, then,
someone pointed out that, since they were dipping into the pension fund
for this, the IRS might take a dim view of it.
So,
in the interests of saving money, they sent out
Express Mail to those 3,000 employees that the packages were going
to be sent out after all, stay tuned for further details.
Then they announced that the package would be
offered to some 35,000 employees, everyone who had at least 5 years and
was fully vested (whatever that means). At
this point, it was still being called an "early retirement" package.
As of yesterday, it's now called a "Voluntary
Severance Package" and it's going to be hand-delivered to each of us on
April 15th, to be accepted or rejected by May 15th.
It's also going to everyone with
at least two years with the
company.
By next week, they'll probably be handing it to new
applicants. "Here's your
employment application and, while you're at it, how about filling out
this Voluntary Severance Form at the same time?"
Still trying to save money.
I can't wait to see what this
place looks like in six months. It'll
either be a graveyard or the London Zoo at feeding time.
Unless Mother wants a new office manager with a
$30,000 nest egg?
My cold is much better, thank you.
I've had my new bed long enough to have turned the
mattress once (every two weeks for the first three months, according to
the User’s Guide). At first, it
felt like I was sleeping on top of a pool table, it is so high and flat.
But we’re getting used to each
other.
Love, as always,
Pete
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