March 4, 1992
Dear Everyone:
Winter ended on a high note this year.
Specifically, 80° in downtown San
Francisco one day last week. Unusual
even in August. In February, it's
positively obscene.
And March really did come in like a lion, for once;
we had a spectacular thunderstorm, complete with rain, Sunday night.
Spring has definitely sprung.
The grass is green… The trees are
green… The hills are green… The concrete on my patio is green.
And “Jeannie's” daffodils are raising their
illegitimate little green heads up out of the yard.
Illegitimate because "Condo del
Terrace" doesn't allow individual gardening in their manicured
landscaping. But “Jeannie” found
the daffodil bulbs on sale and you know what that means.
In other news…
Everyone here at Company is waiting for March 6th
to see if their PCs are going to die. Actually,
a lot of people aren’t waiting, they're actively working on preventing
it. This is because of the
"Michelangelo Virus", a disk-eating computer virus that is set to go off
on March 6th, the artist's birthday.
Other viruses are expected to be
activated on Friday the 13th and April 1st.
Michelangelo (nicknamed "Mike" or "Mich") is just
getting a lot more publicity than most, thanks to CNN (software
companies are actually losing on the stock market on the basis of rumors
that their products might be contaminated) and the PC support people
here at Company who are sending computer notes all over the place,
telling people what they can do to safeguard their data.
Frankly, I suspect that fear of
the virus is taking up more time and effort than the bug itself will,
which is a bit of a boon to whoever set up and spread it.
All of these viruses, once activated, start copying
themselves onto the disk. (The
definition of a virus is a program that replicates itself, just as a
"real" virus does.) At first,
they just take up available space in the memory, thus slowing down your
regular programs. But,
ultimately, they start copying themselves over your applications until
nothing works. And if you had any
data stored on the hard drive, you can kiss it goodbye.
Personally, I never store data on the hard drive,
preferring the more portable floppy disks.
And I make a point of backing up
(copying onto another, separate disk) anything that's really important.
And I've been assured that "Mike"
can't get into the mainframe, so CRMIS and RMBS are safe.
CQI update: We
have identified a process to be improved.
Active File Projects.
This is sort of like deciding
that were going to redesign the Grand Canyon.
It's big… It's vague… And were
going to do it in 3-6 months. Of
course we are.
Oh, look! Another
pig just flew past the window! We
get a lot of them up here on the 30th floor these days.
I will now attempt to explain (?) The
9-Step Process of CQI.
For those of you who skipped the
last letter or two, CQI stands for Continuous Quality Improvement.
Step 1, Identify Output.
This is a hamburger, this is a
cheeseburger and this is a fish burger.
Step 2, Identify Customer.
That's the guy on the other side
of the counter. The one with the
money.
Step 3, Identify Customer Expectations.
"You want fries with that?"
Step 4, Translate Customer Expectations into
Supplier Specifications. "Hold
the pickle!… Hold the lettuce!… Special orders don't upset us…".
Step 5, Identify Steps in Work Process.
Go to the freezer; get the box.
Step 6, Select Measurements.
Recurring rumor:
McDonald's is the world's largest
purchaser of cow eyes. McDonald's
regularly denies this.
Step 7, Improve Process Capability.
In other words, build yourself a
better mouse trap.
Step 8, Evaluate Results.
Are we raking in any more money
than before?
Step 9, Standardize and Recycle.
If what you're doing is working,
keep doing it. Game over.
Go back to the beginning.
Think Nintendo could do something with this Game
Plan?
Love, as always,
Pete
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