March 22, 2019
Dear Everyone:
It all started last summer
I was visiting my cardiologist for a routine checkup.
Usually, he taps the screen a few times, then listens to my heart
and lungs, then pronounces that the battery in the gizmo in my chest is
good for another five, four, three, and so on, years.
The screen he’s looking at contains reports from
Vaal.
Vaal is a computer monitor that sits in my home.
Once each morning, I get on the special bathroom scale, which
sends a report to Vaal. Once
each morning, I use the special
blood pressure machine, which also sends
a report to Vaal. And once
each morning, usually around 2:00 am, the gizmo in my chest sends a
report to Vaal about how my heart is working.
Once each day, Vaal makes a phone call to another computer somewhere
that collects all the data.
This is what the cardiologist reviews every six months when I come by
for the routine checkup.
This time, quite out of the blue, the cardiologist asked me if anyone
had ever told me that I snore.
I resisted the temptation to reply:
“Is the Pope catholic?
Does a bear sleep in the woods?”
Instead, I informed him that everyone in the family snores, to
one extent or another.
The cardiologist decided that this means I have something called
sleep
apnea. So he ordered a test.
I went to the sleep center where, since they were specifically
looking for sleep apnea, that’s what they found.
A few weeks later, I had follow-up consult with the cardiologist
and he gave me a referral to a sleep specialist.
That was in September.
However. The specialist had
left the medical group, so they “assigned” me to another doctor on their
list. He wasn’t available
until a few months later.
Fine by me. I wasn’t in a
hurry to start anything.
Then he wasn’t available again and we rescheduled.
Then he wasn’t available again and we rescheduled, again.
And so on.
Eventually, I did get in to see the sleep specialist.
He recommended using a
Continuous Positive Airway Pressure
device, commonly referred to as a CPAP.
I was expecting this.
In fact, I had already gone through the rebellious,
I-Can’t-Possibly-Use-This-Infernal-Thing-And-You-Can’t-Make-Me! phase.
And the
You’re-Just-Trying-To-Force-Me-To-Rearrange-The-Whole-Bedroom! phase.
Consequently, when I finally met with the sleep specialist, I was
remarkably calm and receptive to at least trying to use a CPAP.
What, exactly, is a CPAP?
It’s a muzzle that blows air up your nose.
All night long.
The sleep specialist’s office referred me to a company that supplies
CPAPs, and all the things that go with one.
We’ll call this company “NM”.
The sleep specialist’s office personnel told me that, once
approved by
Medicare and the
health insurance company, “NM” would call
me to make an appointment for a technician to come and see me.
The technician would come equipped with all the latest CPAP stuff
and show me how to use it, which style of mask would work best for me,
how to get it all set up and so on.
However. After a number of
missed calls and callbacks, I finally connected with my “personal
advisor”, “Chandra”, who informed me that they would be sending me a
“Starter Kit” in a big box.
Period. No “technician”, no
additional help of any kind.
I pointed out that this was not what I had been told.
Apparently, that didn’t matter.
The box would arrive in a few days.
And it did. And it
was largely self-explanatory, especially after I went to “NM’s” website
and watched a few videos.
The box contained the actual CPAP machine, which I have already dubbed
“Caliban”. While smaller
than a breadbox, it’s larger than your average shoebox.
Also numerous filters and things.
And a very brief “Patient Setup Packet”, which contained all of
four paragraphs on how to set up the machine, mask, etc.
I later located the manufacturer’s website and downloaded the
User Manual.
While I was at the sleep center, we covered the fact that CPAP masks
come in three flavors.
There’s the full-face
Darth Vader mask that covers everything from the
chin to the eyes. We tried
that at the sleep center. It
was much too big and
claustrophobic for me.
There’s the “nose pillows”, which basically mean shoving a couple
of plastic tubes into the nostrils.
Too small. Also,
yuck!
Finally, there was the nasal mask, which covers just the nose.
While not exactly “just right”, this was “barely tolerable”.
I had already told “Chandra” about this.
The Starter Kit included a big plastic bag containing nasal masks in
three sizes: Extra Large.
Large. And
Small-or-Medium. Also, the
illustration on the front of the bag showed a man wearing a nasal mask.
And the biggest, happiest smile a man can have while wearing a
CPAP mask. He’s lying in bed
with a young woman beside him.
She also has a very big smile on her face.
As if to say, “We just had the Best Sex
Ever!!!”
Obviously because he’s wearing this plastic thing over his nose.
That’s marketing for you.
“NM” actually sent me an email with a link to a Customer Satisfaction
Survey to ask my opinion of their service so far.
I happily gave them a big, fat “F”.
A few hours later, I got a phone call from “Tad”, a technician
who does work for “NM”, who just happened to be in the area and could he
come by around 1:00 that afternoon.
“Tad” confirmed that the Small-or-Medium was probably the best size for
me. And he showed me how to
configure the head gear and fit the nasal mask onto my face.
Ever try breathing through a straw?
It’s not that easy, is it?
That’s kind of what it’s like wearing a mask without Caliban
actually blowing the air through the tubing.
Tad also confirmed that “NM” had forgotten to include the
six-foot tubing that connects the face mask to Caliban.
You know what that means:
Three more days of not having to deal with Caliban!
Nevertheless, the tubing did arrive and Caliban and I have been getting
to know one another. There’s
been a period of adjustment, of course.
We started last Sunday night.
So far, I can honestly report that using a CPAP has not automatically
provided the Best Sex Ever in any shape or form.
On the other hand, I have actually been able to get some sleep at
night and have not yet thrown Caliban out the window.
So far, so good.
Love, as always,
Pete
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