April 7, 2017
Dear Everyone:
Herein lies the
tale of “Mortimer, the
Mouse”.
It all began a
week ago last Tuesday. I was
in bed, dropping off to sleep when I heard a noise along the wall behind
my head. Sort of a
scratching, scrabbling, kind of noise.
My first thought was:
“It’s a raccoon
climbing the big fir tree outside.”
That wall is an outside wall, and since raccoons are
nocturnal it
made sense that one would be visiting the neighborhood at night.
Then I heard the
noise again. So I decided to
turn on the bedside lamp.
When the noise continued, it would confirm that whatever was causing it
was actually outside.
That’s when I
spotted Mortimer scurrying across the top of the little school desk in
the corner.
Two thoughts
coursed through my brain at once:
“Oh. My. God. There
is a mouse in my bedroom.”
And, “There is not a snowball’s chance in Hell that I’m going to get any
sleep tonight.”
I turned on ALL
the lights and Mortimer and I played
Hide-and-Seek
in the bedroom. Not under
the bed. Not under the
dresser. No obvious holes in
the walls anywhere that I could find.
At one point,
Mortimer dashed into the closet and I quickly closed the closet door.
Since these are the standard sliding doors, I knew that it
wouldn’t be long before Mortimer found a way out.
I read somewhere that mice can fit through a space the size of a
pencil.
Sure enough, with
a “sproing!”, Mortimer escaped the closet and ran out the bedroom door.
I shut the door. Not
that it would help all that much, but it was better than nothing.
Needless to say,
not much sleep that night.
But I did get caught up on episodes of
Monk
on the
DVR.
On Wednesday I
bought some “mouse
bait” at the local grocery store.
You’re supposed to put a block of green poison in the plastic
container and place it where you think the mice will be attracted to it.
The plastic container is to protect pets and small children.
Since I have neither pets nor small children, I placed the four
poison blocks, devoid of plastic container, in various places where
Mortimer might find them.
(Bear in mind
that all of this was going on at the same time that I was presenting the
“RIM
Symposium for
City Clerks” for my ARMA Chapter.
I was very busy that week.)
I saw various
clues that Mortimer was still around.
A small item from the kitchen counter was on the floor one
morning when I came out.
Dust bunnies from
under the
refrigerator had found their way out into the room.
Much
vacuuming in various rooms.
And keeping all the doors closed at all times.
Which is decidedly inconvenient.
By the way, I am
fully aware that Mortimer was a Very Large Mouse (VLM).
This is a euphemism for another kind of rodent spelled
r-a-t.
I preferred to think of Mortimer as a VLM.
The real difference, except to another rodent, is in the overall
size and in the shape of the ears.
Mice have much rounder ears.
Frankly, I wasn’t inclined to get close enough to examine
Mortimer’s ears. I also
realized that every Mortimer-sighting may not be the same Mortimer.
After all, he might have friends and relatives.
Then, last
Saturday, I was watching TV a little after 7:00 in the evening when
Mortimer suddenly dashed across the living room, heading for the wide
open spaces of the patio.
Unfortunately for Mortimer (and me, I suppose), the patio door was
closed. He disappeared under
some piece of furniture, for a while, then we played Hide-and-Seek
again.
At one point, I
had him trapped under an antique bookcase, with the spaces along the
floor blocked by a couple of bricks and a wooden shelf.
But he got out again.
For a rodent, Mortimer seemed remarkably
claustrophobic.
In the meantime, I was still keeping all the doors closed.
On Sunday,
Mortimer again tried to make a break for it at almost exactly the same
time of day. Clearly he had
developed a routine.
Everything
changed Monday morning. I
happened to go into the kitchen, where I saw something in the kitchen
sink that I first registered as a long, thin twig.
Then I realized that it was Mortimer’s tail.
Quick like a bunny, I grabbed a large sheet of cardboard and
placed it over the sink, then weighted it down with a plastic bin and
some bricks.
This is a double
sink, so I put something over the second sink and reinforced it all with
plastic cutting boards, the wooden shelf, and anything else that I
thought would stand up to Mortimer’s attempts to get out.
Sure enough, I soon heard him scratching and chewing at the
cardboard. But I had him
trapped this time, for sure.
Only thing was, I
couldn’t use the sink for anything.
Definitely inconvenient.
I also realized
that now that I had Mortimer trapped, what to do next?
If I lifted the cardboard, he’d escape and we’d be right back
where we were before.
That’s when I
said to myself, “Self, stop trying to do this yourself!
Call in the professionals.”
While looking for
“Pest Control”
on Google, I
remembered that, as a member of my
Homeowner
Association Board, I had a copy of the “Emergency Vendor List”.
Certainly this counted as an emergency.
Sure enough, there was a name and phone number for a company that
takes care of these things on the list.
I called and left
a message. And waited for a
call back.
Tuesday morning,
my cell phone rang and it was “Geoffrey” the “Mouse Man”.
He said “his guy” would be there in an hour, or so.
“Geoffrey” seemed to think that we had had a long conversation
the day before. We hadn’t,
but I wasn’t about to quibble.
He had the correct address and that’s what counted.
After coming
close to breaking the land-speed record in the shower, and getting
dressed, it occurred to me that maybe “Geoffrey” has spoken with
“Michaela”, our property manager and thought she was me.
So I called her and we were talking about it when “Geoffrey’s”
guy, “Caleb” showed up, with a big plastic box filled with something so
scrump-deli-icious that VLMs can’t resist tasting it and taking some
back to share with their friends and relatives.
“Michaela” told “Caleb” to charge the visit to the HOA.
She had already
told me that she was getting reports all over the place of VLM
sightings. We decided to
blame it all on the very wet winter that we had this year.
As long as
“Caleb” was there, and wearing gloves, I asked him to check on Mortimer,
who was (presumably) still in the sink, if he hadn’t gone out through
garbage
disposal and into the plumbing.
I didn’t dare run the
dishwasher if the
line was blocked by Mortimer’s little body.
“Caleb” peaked
under the cardboard and reported that Mortimer was, in fact, still in
the sink, and “barely moving.”
I produced a plastic bag and “Caleb” pulled Mortimer, feebly
struggling, out of the sink by his tail, popped him into the bag and
zipped it shut. Then he took
Mortimer away.
As to why
Mortimer was barely moving, think about it:
I don’t leave food out.
Everything is sealed in plastic bins, or in the refrigerator.
There was every possibility that Mortimer hadn’t eaten anything
since he showed up a week before.
Unless he had actually nibbled on one of the poison blocks I had
put out.
Let’s face it:
Breaking into my home was likely the worst mistake of his little
VLM-life.
So Mortimer is
gone. The plastic box is
still under the kitchen sink.
We are to wait a couple of weeks to see if any of Mortimer’s
friends or relatives, or any other Mortimers, come calling, then let
“Geoffrey” know the outcome.
In the meantime,
I can finally leave the doors open inside my condo.
No more starting at every little sound.
Life is much better without Mortimer*.
Love, as always,
Pete
*Why “Mortimer”?
When Walt
Disney first sketched his famous cartoon character for
Steamboat
Willie, he wanted to name it “Mortimer Mouse”.
His wife suggested “Mickey”
instead. And history was
made.
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