August 28, 2003
Dear Everyone:
Our operating company, BRES (“Boring and Really Expensive Services”), has recently resumed offering Driver Safety Training. The course costs $250 and lasts a full day. However, if you work for BRES, they’ll waive the fee. It still takes an entire day.
BRES even sent a notice to all supervisors with a request that they rate each employee’s “rate of risk” regarding the possibility of the employee getting into an auto accident while in a company car, or on company business. Because we in Global Records Consulting are consultants and frequently drive from one company location to another, our supervisor rated all of us at “high risk”. We were then informed that taking the course was mandatory.
Management: “Your safety is our highest priority.” Translation: “We are desperately trying to lower our insurance premiums.”
So I spent yesterday taking Driver Safety Training (Initial). Actually, I had taken the exact same course back when I worked in “Livermore”. But because it was more than five years ago, I didn’t quality for a shorter “refresher” course.
The first part of the day took place in a conference room, where we were treated to a variety of statistics and informed that company policy is now that there are no motor vehicle “accidents”; there are only motor vehicle “crashes”. The new mind-set is that all “crashes” are avoidable provided you are a good enough driver.
We also “learned” the “Five Keys to Safe Driving”. Since I already knew these, I had to keep biting my tongue not to blurt out the answer before the other trainees had time to comprehend the question. Eventually, we moved on to the actual driving test.
Each trainee was allowed to drive the chosen vehicle, in this case a minivan from the motor pool, for eight minutes to familiarize themselves with the car and the general area. (I’m sure many teenagers would be delighted to learn that you can be expected to learn to drive in eight minutes.)
Next the trainee was required to drive for 15 minutes while keeping up a constant monologue of what they were seeing and doing. Example: “That’s a stale red light fifteen seconds ahead of me and there’s a silver SUV behind me, but not tailgating, I see that parked car on the right that someone is getting out of, now the red light up ahead has changed to green and I’m glancing right-left-right before passing through this intersection, there’s a pedestrian in the cross walk on our left, I’m checking my mirrors, now I’m turning on my turn signal and checking right-left-right before turning at this corner…” ad nauseam. Try it yourself if you care to see what it’s like.
After the interminable fifteen minutes was over, the trainee parked and received their evaluation. Here’s the thing: No matter how badly you might do, the instructor will endeavor to put a positive spin on it: “You did a really good job of beeping the horn and making eye-contact before running over that little old lady in the crosswalk.”
And no matter how well you do, they will manage to find some way to offer “constructive criticism”. Since it is impossible to simultaneously check your rearview mirror while looking fifteen seconds ahead, they can pretty much pick whatever they want to recommend, such as, “work on using your mirrors more”. The only thing to do is nod and keep your mouth shut.
Two things had changed since the last time I took the course. Back then, you were taught to stop a half-car-length behind the car in front of you at an intersection. Now it’s a full car-length. The reason: So many of the cars today are bigger and heavier than 5-10 years ago. They can push your car farther when they rear-end you.
Another was the new philosophy that you should back into parking spaces so that you are moving forward when you pull out. I decided to give this one a try (I have already been stopping a full car-length behind for years; and driving other people crazy because they see me taking “more than my share” of space on the road). Last night, when I got home, I backed my car into the carport.
Luckily, my neighbor has been on an extended trip, so going over the line just a little did not represent a hazard. This morning, I realized that I didn’t have to walk all the way around the car to get to the trunk. It was right in front of me as I walked toward the car. And I don’t have to leave extra space between the front of the car and the back of the carport to allow me and my computer cart to get to the passenger side. So I’ll continue to back into the carport, as long as I don’t take out a post or crunch my neighbor’s car.
And I now have my “certificate” so I can continue driving from place to place, avoiding non-accidental crashes.
Love, as always,
Pete
PS: The
Five Keys to Safe Driving are:
Aim high in steering
Get the big picture
Keep your eyes moving
Leave yourself an out
Make sure they see you
Also known as: “All Good Kids Love Milk” (first letter of each Key).
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