November 9, 1995
Dear Everyone:
Happy 50th Anniversary Mom and Dad!
Moving right
along...
Acceding to popular
demand (“Jeannie”, “Alice”, “Miranda”, strangers on the
BART train), I went to the doctor’s
office this week about my back.
Not that I saw the doctor, of course; he had better things to do.
I saw the Nurse Practitioner.
We ran through a
series of questions and tests (walk on your toes, walk on your heels,
walk like a duck) and confirmed that there was no structural damage.
No herniated or ruptured disks.
Just your basic, simple, plain old everyday, run-of-the-mill,
house-and-garden-variety pulled muscles.
Situation normal.
She cheerfully
informed me that there really wasn’t much they could do about it and
that it would take six weeks to heal.
Those are the rules, no exceptions.
Then she gave me some prescription anti-inflammatory pills the
size of young golf balls and ordered “physical therapy”.
Physical therapy
consists of a series of fairly easy exercises, like hugging your knees
(“Have you hugged your knees today?”) and pointing your toes at the
ceiling. I strongly
recommend doing the latter while lying on the floor.
Other rules:
1.
Chairs are
bad. There’s no such thing
as a “good” chair as far as your back muscles are concerned.
You should stand or lie flat on the floor at all times.
Frankly, neither of these choices is conducive to working on the
computer.
2.
Don’t pick
up anything that weighs more
than five pounds. Now, I
know what you’re thinking:
“My God, her purse weighs
more than that!” Not true.
I checked and, according to my digital bathroom scale, my purse
only weighs four pounds, so I’m safe.
Actually, in light
of the fact that the “event” occurred a week ago last Saturday, I’m
almost a third of the way through my sentence already.
And things have much improved.
I move just like a normal person now, provided your definition of
“normal” includes small steps, sudden contortions, avoiding stairs and
watching TV lying flat on the floor even when there aren’t other people
taking up the sofa.
In other news...
I’ve really been
surfing the Internet the past few weeks.
So far, I’ve found the Home Pages for:
Herb Caen (San
Francisco Chronicle)
What’s Playing at
the Movies...
UPN (Star
Trek,
Nowhere Man,
Babylon 5)
In time, I may even
find a work-related use for it.
“Jeannie” called me
Monday night to regale me about her day.
An insurance claim.
Man had been burglarized.
Burglars took some juice and coffee making equipment and cleaned out
all of his
ostrich
eggs. $120,000 worth.
What was he doing
with 800 ostrich eggs?
Branching out. Juice,
coffee, designer ostrich eggs.
They only cost him about $35 each (he has connections in the
ostrich business); but he figured he could sell them at $150 a pop so
that’s what he’s claiming.
These were no ordinary ostrich eggs, you see; some were painted, some
carved into Nativity Scenes, some turned into lamps.
He was going to make a fortune selling them to
QVC. The latest thing.
And it was only a coincidence that his insurance policy was just
about to expire.
Ostrich eggs.
Get yours early, before QVC runs out.
You heard it here first.
Love, as always,
Pete
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