November 12, 1993
Dear Everyone:
Did you catch The
Great Debate on TV this week? If
not, it went something like this:
Once upon a time there was an Enchanted Forest filled with happy
creatures. One day, a strange
object appeared in the Forest. No
one knew what it was, so they called upon the Owl, who was considered
the wisest creature in the Forest. The
Owl circled around the strange object three times, then landed on top of
it and studied it for several minutes.
"It's a NAFTA," the Owl
declared and, being a very wise creature indeed, would say no more on
the matter. Everyone began to
discuss whether or not the NAFTA was a Good Thing or a Bad Thing and
discussion soon led to arguments.
"I know," said Larry
the Caterpillar, who had a local
TV talk show,
"I'll post a Debate." Larry was
considered very smart because he had more fingers and toes to count on
than anyone else. Everyone agreed
that a Debate would be a good idea because they were a time-honored
tradition in the Enchanted Forest going all the way back to
Which-Came-First-the-Chicken-or-the-Egg.
Larry invited Al the
Gopher and Ross
the Porcupine to argue the pros and cons, respectively (or, at
least, with as much respect as they could muster).
It was agreed that the Debate
would take place in the meadow, where there were good places for
satellite link-ups, and the Gopher, having won the mushroom toss, got to
go first.
The Gopher declared that the NAFTA was a Good Thing because all the
Really Smart People in the Forest liked it and because it would bring
lots of new Yum-Yums and other good things into the Forest.
Now it was the Porcupine’s turn. "Medicaid!"
he cried and, skipping merrily out into the meadow, began pulling up
wild flowers and weeds and throwing them at the Gopher.
The Gopher and the Caterpillar looked at each other.
"Medicaid?
But what's that got to do with…"
"Don't interrupt!" shrilled the porcupine.
He pulled up a particularly large
Queen Anne’s Lace,
roots and all. "I've got charts!"
He held the flower up to the camera in such a way that the Gopher
practically had to stand on his head to see it himself.
"This shows that NAFTA will suck
all the really good yum-yums out of the Forest faster than you can say,
‘Jack
Robinson’.”
"Prove it," challenged the Gopher.
"Can I finish?" snapped the Porcupine. "I
have tried to explain with countless interruptions.
Will you let me finish!"
Picking up a pine cone, he flung it at the Gopher.
"It's all those pesky Foreign
Lobbyists!".
"But you've hired lobbyists yourself," the Gopher pointed out, lobbing
the pine cone back at him.
For a moment, the Porcupine was disconcerted.
Then, "Personal foul!
I get a free throw!"
The Gopher implied that the Porcupine was against the NAFTA because he
had a lock on the imported yum-yum market, to which the Porcupine
responded: "Liar, liar, pants on
fire."
Then he decided to appeal directly to the Forest creatures.
"Let's take a reality check,
people," he implored, gazing earnestly into the wrong camera.
Whenever things started getting a little out of hand, or for that
matter, whenever he felt like it, Larry the Caterpillar would shrug his
shoulders (which, on a Caterpillar, is a fairly impressive sight no
matter what the circumstances) and call for a commercial break.
The whole thing lasted for about
90 minutes and then the Debate was over and the Analysis began.
59% of the squirrels said that the Gopher won, while 32% of the
Chipmunks felt that the Porcupine had won.
Of course, no one knew any more
about NAFTA than they did before the Debate, but that didn't matter
since debates were only for entertainment purposes anyway.
In reality, the only one who
really won the Debate was
Larry the Caterpillar, because it made his television ratings go up.
And that's our story for today.
Join us again next time when the happy creatures of the Enchanted Forest
encounter an even stranger object called:
The National Health Plan.
Love, as always,
Pete
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