March 24, 1993
Dear Everyone:
“Jeannie” is much better now. Not
that this news should dissuade you from sending gifts and cards.
Gifts and cards are
always welcome.
I stopped by to see her last Friday, after work, and her eyes were all
red and puffy and her voice was virtually gone.
By Sunday morning, the eyes were
only puffy and the voice was almost back to normal.
In fact, she felt well enough to
go to the movies. (We’re seldom
not well enough to go to the movies.)
Point of No
Return.
In a nutshell, it's Pygmalion,
with automatic weapons. Despicable
little guttersnipe kills a cop, gets convicted and is executed--all in
the first 15 minutes--then wakes up to discover that the "execution" was
faked and that she has been "recruited" by that age-old, evil entity,
"the Government".
For unspecified reasons, "the
Government" needs "a young, female operative".
At taxpayers’ expense, she gets a complete makeover:
New teeth, new complexion, new
hair, designer clothes, deportment lessons from
Anne Bancroft,
of all people, who croons, "If you
feel pretty, you
are pretty"--so important when you're blowing away diners in that terribly
exclusive restaurant.
Of course, the movie is chock-full of discrepancies.
Just what branch of "the
Government" is arranging all these hits, anyway?
And the total personality change
of the main character is absurd. The
last thing her controller wants her to do is get an attack of "nice".
But what can you expect of a
movie that has Anne Bancroft teaching, "stand up straight and smile, or
I'll blow your head off"? It's
worth the bargain price, but only if it includes all-you-can-eat
popcorn.
Speaking of eating. I did go back to the doctor and reported no
migraines since I've given up caffeine, sugar-substitutes and nitrates.
He said to keep up the good work
and check back with him in three months.
That's not likely to happen, not because I'm going
completely back to my old bad habits, or that I wouldn't follow up
on the visit. No, it's just that
Company is in the process of "evaluating" our health benefits and has
just announced the intention of yanking all of the HMO's out from under
us. So I probably won't be seeing
the doctor again.
But I still read the ingredients on food packages, seeking the elusive
"nitrates". So far, the only item
I found that's honest enough to admit that it contains nitrates is dried
macaroni. It comes right after
thiamine. Hotdogs, of course, are
Nitrate City, but you won't find it on the label.
It lurks somewhere behind the
ubiquitous "and other natural flavors".
And have you ever noticed the Serving Sizes on these packages?
Take your average can of
vegetable soup. Serving size: 4
oz. Servings Per Container:
2½.
Two and a
half?
Who gets the "half a serving"?
There are 10 ounces in the whole
can (water added, of course). Why
don't they just make the Serving Size 5 oz?
Or a can of vegetable juice. Servings
Per Container: 1.9. Is anyone
seriously going to pour .9 of a can into a glass and hand it to someone?
When we were growing up, it was supremely simple.
A cake, pie, a quart of ice
cream, whatever, was divided into equal portions.
And the one who did the cutting,
got the last piece, thus ensuring scrupulous attention to equality in
sizes. No "half a serving" for
us!
Love, as always,
Pete
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