December 17, 1992
Dear Everyone:
Last month we had one of our quarterly (more or
less) Records Center Teleconferences, in which we connect all five of
the Records Centers by telephone so that they can discuss matters of
interest. Such as “Murray Olson”,
here in “Livermore”, telling the others about the barcoding system he's
planning on putting in for checking boxes in it out and how it will
require changes in CRMIS and how that might affect their operations.
This particular teleconference went quite smoothly,
“Lafayette” even volunteering
to "host" the next "meeting"; and the discussion actually ended a little
bit early. Which gave “Livermore”
and “Lafayette” an opportunity to establish a small wager on the
Saints-49’ers
game coming up that weekend. If
“Livermore” (i.e., San Francisco) won, “Lafayette” would send them a "King
Cake", for which “Lafayette” is famous.
A King Cake is a Mardi Gras
tradition, consisting of some kind of cake with some kind of "prize" in
it. The person who receives the
piece with the prize (usually a small plastic doll or toy) in it wins
the honor of providing the next King Cake (and possibly a trip to the
dentist). If “Lafayette” won,
“Livermore” would send them some San Francisco sourdough bread.
The Big Game took place on Sunday, and by Monday
morning the headlines proclaimed the “Livermore” was getting a King
Cake. Which they did, one of the
warehouse guys nearly breaking a tooth. Seems
somebody forgot to warn him about the Mardi Gras tradition.
“Livermore” magnanimously sent
“Lafayette” some sourdough bread anyway.
And that would have been the end of it if somebody
hadn't included the whole proceedings in the minutes of the
teleconference. Which the people
in “Austin” read. (Now, I ask
you, who actually reads the
minutes of meetings?) “Austin”
felt left out. How come they
didn't get to make a bet? Could
it be because “Austin” doesn't have a professional football team?
Nonsense. All
“Austin” had to do was adopt a football team.
In Texas, of course.
Now, “Hobby” has a team; but
“Hobby” also has a Records Center who might wish to get into this silly
business themselves. So “Austin” chose the
Dallas Cowboys
and challenged “Lafayette”. Now
all we have to do is wait for the Cowboys and the Saints to decide to
play a game. If “Lafayette” loses
(again!), “Austin” gets a King Cake. If
the Dallas Cowboys (excuse me, the “Austin” Cowboys) lose, I have
absolutely no idea what “Lafayette” gets.
Buffalo chips?
In other news…
With Christmas coming, I took my checkbook, credit
cards, cash and Personal Shopping Advisor (“Jeannie”) in hand and braved
the Shopping Mall, not to mention the Dreaded Stroller People.
My original plan was to go to "B
Unique", a store that sells painted T-Shirts.
You pick out the shirt and smear
paint on it; then they place the shirt on a spinner that uses
centrifugal force to spread the paint out in "unique" patterns.
Then they bake the shirt for you.
And everyone gets a beautiful new
shirt for Christmas.
Unfortunately, “Jeannie” informed me that B Unique
apparently went Belly Up. The
shop is no more.
Okay. Plan
B. I'm sure everyone will adore
the monogrammed, silver-plated pickle fork and jelly spoon sets.
(They were on
sale!)
Just kidding.
Speaking of my esteemed Personal Shopping Advisor,
“Jeannie” has an interesting job, when she isn't busy worrying about her
cat’s allergies. Take the
deposition she did a little while back, involving a woman, who for
purposes of identification, we will refer to as "Mrs. Claus", it being a
pretty safe bet that that isn't her real name.
The first inkling "Mrs. Claus" had that Something
Was Not Quite Right, was when the police came to tell her that her
husband was dead. "Mrs.
Claus" was understandably disturbed and wanted to know how her husband
came to be dead. Well, the police
explained, he was killed by a Hit Man. Now
"Mrs. Claus" was perturbed. They
were neither drug dealers, nor were they in the Mob; why would anyone
hire a Hit Man to kill her husband?
So the police told her:
Actually, it was her husband who
hired the Hit Man to kill her.
(It was at approximately this
point the “Jeannie” had to stop the deposition long enough to pick her
jaw up off the floor.) It seems
that they (the husband and the Hit Man) had a falling out over the money
that "Mr. Claus" was supposed to pay the Hit Man to kill "Mrs. Claus"
and the Hit Man bumped off "Mr. Claus" instead.
Now, you may ask, where did "Mr. Claus" get the
money to afford a genuine Hit Man? Easy!
He took a mortgage out on their
home. Although, I doubt that he
put that exact reason down on the application form.
As flexible as banks are getting
about reasons to mortgage your home, "conspiracy to commit murder" is
probably one of the few left on the No-No-List.
He probably just wrote, "Home
Improvement", and left it at that.
So now "Mr. Claus" is dead.
As far as we know, the police
haven't found the Hit Man. Or the
money. And the reason for the
deposition is so "Mrs. Claus" and her lawyer can explain to the banks
lawyer that "Mrs. Claus" doesn't have the money to pay back the loan.
The bank said that they understood perfectly that
it wasn't "Mrs. Claus’s" fault that her husband got himself killed and
the Hit Man got away. They also
said that they wanted their money back. Now.
All of it.
For some strange reason, they
don't seem to consider "Mrs. Claus" a good credit risk.
Today is my last day in the office for this year.
Tomorrow I have two meetings in
“Livermore” in the morning. Then
I'm taking my Quality Improvement Team out to lunch.
And then, I'm gone for the rest
of the year. I'll be back
"online" after the Holidays.
Love, as always,
Pete
PS. Everyone have a very Merry Christmas and a safe
and Happy New Year. P.
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